E3 was a couple weeks ago, and while most people were there to scope out hot new games, I was searching for cool new swears. Lo and behold, as the convention center closed on day one of the event, I overheard a beet-red bald man scream into a mobile phone:
“For the love of Christ, Ted, I don’t want to walk into my bedroom and see you lying there with your tapioca suitcase hanging out!” He proceeded to utter a string of more mainstream genital euphemisms: chocolate starfish, purple-helmeted yogurt-thrower, et cetera, but I hardly heard them. I was still overwhelmed by “tapioca suitcase.” From context I had discovered its meaning: the man was talking about a ballsack. And yet, the phrase he had used continued to dazzle me.
It just … made … no … sense. I mean yes, sperm is sort of like tapioca? And the ballsack is a place to keep sperm, just as a suitcase is, I guess, a place to keep tapioca? But a suitcase is hard-shelled, whereas a ballsack is anything but. Also, opening a suitcase is almost nothing like opening a ballsack. A tapioca suitcase is about as similar to a ballsack as a ziploc bag of hard-boiled eggs is to a uterus.
But that’s what makes it so brilliant. The poor fellow on the other end of the phone clearly knew from context that his nuts were the topic of conversation. Our intrepid swearsmith didn’t need to be accurate in his description. He needed to be ludicrous. His choice of words served its true purpose as a swear: to take the conversation out of the realm of mere anatomy and into the domain of what it must have felt like to walk into a room and see those exposed testes. It made them literally larger than life. Also harder and with more structural integrity.
Learn from this screaming bald man. Don’t threaten to kick a fuckboy in the nuts - Tell him your foot’s got a date with his tapioca suitcase. Don’t tell that lucky fella you’re gonna suck his dick - Tell him you’re gonna help him unpack his tapioca suitcase. Don’t go balls to the wall - put your tapioca suitcase on the table, open it up, and reveal stack upon stack of crisp hundred dollar bills.
The world is your suitcase, friends. Fill it with tapioca, and then use it as a metaphor for nuts.