It is, of course, my responsibility as a prominent swearologist to use my platform to raise awareness of certain underutilized swears and swear techniques, but from time to time I must allow my ego free rein. Today is just such a time, and so I give you a brand new, piping hot swear:

splonk [splɒ̈nk]


  1. to ejaculate inaccurately, thus dousing the immediate surroundings in unwanted spooge.
  2. To utterly cock up an otherwise good thing through clumsiness, impatience, or poor communication. a. The party was going great until Phil splonked all over everybody’s good time by busting through the wall screaming “THE COPS ARE COMING” because he saw an especially large pigeon.


  1. Ejaculate, recklessly dispensed.
  2. The fully grown product of recklessly dispensed ejaculate. a. You utter splonk. b. Aphrodite is technically the original splonk.

Thank you for subscribing to the Swear of the Month Club. Until next time: eat clum, splonkers.