Shit in Milk
Hello again, fuckers and fuckees, and welcome to this month’s swear. Today we will be discussing a phrase near and dear to my butt:
“To shit in one’s milk.”
Now, I grew up with this swear. It practically raised me. So I was shocked to find that many people are unfamiliar with this evocative expression. For those of you as yet uninitiated in the mysteries of shitmilk, let me break it down for you.
This phrase can take any of several forms. Perhaps the most common is the question: “Who shat in your milk?” ie, “What are you so grumpy about?” You may be more familiar with the derivation, “Who pooped in your breakfast cereal,” which, you may notice, also implies the presence of milk.
But there are other ways to combine shit with milk, my friends. One might say, “We’re really shitting in each other’s milk here” (We’re mutually ruining each other’s prospects), “I don’t mean to shit in your milk, but …” (I’m not trying to ruin your day, but …), or even “Wow, I really shat in my own milk there.” (I totally fucked myself over with that boneheaded action.)
Why is this swear so good? Because in a few short words, it concocts a cartoonishly unpleasant scenario. To poop in someone’s milk is to invest significant time and effort with the sole purpose of ruining a good thing. (Even if you do not like milk, you will have to admit that milk with shit in it is worse than milk sans shit.)
Can we generalize this swear, rendering it into the form “who [bodily function] in your [consumable]?” We can, but the results will never surpass the original. While “who jizzed in your happy meal?” and “who pissed in your latte?” are both heroic efforts, the magic of the original phrase is tied to the words “shit” and “milk.” Let’s look at each individually.
Unlike jizz, shit is primarily nonsexual, and though producing both can be pleasurable, pleasure is not the primary purpose of shitting. Thus, shit eliminates potential ulterior motives for adulterating a beverage that might be present if jizz were substituted. At the same time, shit is more vile than piss, blood, or spittle. Puke is a serious contender here, but it falls short in that it is frequently produced involuntarily, whereas to shit into a beverage is almost always a premeditated act.
Now let’s look at some alternatives to milk. Beer is right out – it lacks milk’s innocence, and as soon as alcohol is involved the realistic possibility of people shitting in all kinds of unlikely receptacles sharply increases. We don’t want to be realistic here, so let’s change “beer” to “root beer.” This is better, but the brown-on-brown motif lessens the shit’s visual impact, and the carbonation somehow makes the shit seem cleaner and more contained. “Orange juice” is even closer to the ideal, but the citric acid and bright color of the juice again run the risk of neutralizing the shit. This leaves us with milk – an opaque white liquid that superficially conceals the shit’s presence while doing nothing to mask its flavor or texture. A beverage suitable for all ages.
I’ve put a lot of thought into this, as you can see, but I am by no means infallible. If you find a substance/beverage combo even more titillating than shit and milk, please share it with me in the comments.
Of note is the fact that this phrase is almost never used as a threat. “I’ll shit in your milk,” might seem tempting at first, but think of the effort required to follow through on the threat. You’ll have to put yourself in a very compromising position in order to achieve the desired firing angle, exposing yourself to more ridicule than your unlucky target. That’s ignoring the fact that, in response to your warning, your target might simply switch to almond milk preemptively.
That concludes this month’s swear discussion. I hope you never have occasion to use this phrase, as it is only applicable when someone has needlessly fucked someone else over, but if such a calamity does transpire, at least you will have the words to swear about it.